I hate those moments.

I hate those moments. The ones where you are walking along and feeling fine, even counting your blessings. Then boom. A sense of loss hits you.

That is what happened today at the mall with my son. We were eating lunch and I suggested checking out the play area. When we went I noticed that he was too tall! How did that happen? I told him he could go in anyway because there were older kids there and we went to find a place to sit. Looking around everyone had their little ones with them. The older kids were there because they had siblings that were younger.

And that should have been us. David would have been ten months old had he made it full term. He could have been toddling around and having fun. But he didn't make it. And I'm starting to realize there is a strong possibility that I'm never going to be the mother holding my little boy's hand while I have a baby in the other arm. He might never get to be an older brother.

Most days I can push this out of my mind but for some reason today it's messing me up. The loss of David has seemed really fresh recently. I made a mistake with my heart by saying something to someone and their response hurt me. At least I know better for the future and will be more careful.

I'm just really sad today.

It's funny how in this day and age people that you have never met in your entire life can have such an affect. In fact, in some ways I am closer to those people than members of my own family. I jokingly refer to them as "imaginary friends" but they are real people that I have just happened to have met on message boards, much the same way you find people in classes that you get along with.

The problem is that when the big things happen in those people's lives you feel that lack of ability to do anything even more than when you know them in person. Emails seem empty and its so hard to know if sending something real and tangible will seem weird or not.

So all you can do is pray or think good thoughts during the bad times and smile to yourself in the good. It just never seems like its enough. Guess that is the price you pay.

Can't Complain

We are here at our new home. It has been two weeks and so far so good. This is definitely an older house but it is pretty and once we are done getting unpacked and settled it is going to feel like a home. A warm home with wood and colors and more like what I grew up in. The neighborhood seems friendly and I have hopes we will actually make friends here.

I registered Aiden for kindergarten last week. My little boy is going to kindergarten. I can't believe it but I know he'll do great. He is so smart and hopefully being in school will help him make some real friends. I know he misses preschool because he hasn't really had anyone but his parents to play with. We go to the park and places but there are usually younger kids. I'm going back and forth about signing up for another moms type organization but those seem geared for younger children too. We are joining a synagogue so maybe that will help out for him also.

My best friend is visiting in a couple weeks and I am so excited. I'm even more touched that she is willing to drive up here with her four kids. I know traveling isn't always easy with children but I cannot wait till they get here. Its also great motivation to get the house in order and not dump things in any of the rooms because we are going to need them all.

The weather here is so different then Florida. Duh, Lisa? What did you expect? Apparantly it's been very chilly compared to what it normally is. Right now there is a thunderstorm going outside and it's in the 70s.

As my online friend Carmen always talks about, I had a little moment of bliss yesterday. My dog and I were sitting on the back porch swing and my son was playing in the back yard. It was just one of those perfect moments. The breeze was blowing and even the birds were chirping. There has been so much going on recently that I am really trying to stop and think about when these moments happen. They really help you deal with the hard stuff.

A perfect memory

Yesterday was the fourth of July and we had no plans. Just worked on getting the house ready for moving day. I had bought some wimpy fireworks from the store and we were going to set them off. Aiden of course was thrilled and couldn't wait. He was also thrilled with his USA shirt and his decorated cupcakes. I love his age. He's so easy to please.

Well when it finally was dark enough the people across the lake from us set off these huge beautiful fireworks for probably an hour. After standing outside for fifteen minutes and getting eaten by mosquitoes we decided to watch them from inside.

We put a bunch of pillows up by the big back door and laid on the floor watching them. As Aiden laid there all fascinated, I couldn't help but think this is one of those perfect memories that I hope I always have. Don't you just love when those happen when you weren't planning for them at all?

Almost moving time

Next week at this time I will be running around frantically preparing the house for the movers to come. We luckily were able to get a good deal on them packing too. So that leaves me with the very un fun job of organizing, throwing away, and donating everything that I can. I do not want to move into our next home with more junk then we know what to do with it. I'm done with the messy stage in my life. The amount of time that I take trying to find things, putting off things cuz I know the frustration it's going to bring because of the mess, and just basically having a house that I'm embarassed about is exhausting. It's over.

That isn't what I really wanted to type about, although I have a feeling it will be the topic of many more blogs to come. Recently, I have been finding myself very irritable when it comes to pregnant people. Usually I can handle it. But today if I see one more person on facebook complaining about how they hate being pregnant, I am going to scream. I just can't seem to avoid the topic. My neighbor is pregnant and my son was nice enough to put out there used to be a baby in mommy's tummy too. That conversation is old. It hurts and always comes out of nowhere and I am tired of having to go back over the facts with my son even though I know he needs that from me.

When I was going through some stuff in my son's playroom I realized that I was pregnant when I moved into this house. When I organized and put things away in the closets it was with the intent that another baby would be living here with us. Aiden's old bedding is in his closet waiting to be used. Baby toys are boxed in his room because we were going to need them. The bassinet that I love so much is upstairs just waiting for a little one to sleep in it. I have boxes and boxes of baby clothes and other items in the garage.

And then there is the box. David's box with the few memories I have of him. They are with my crystal and dishes in a place where they were safe from others looking at them or them getting misplaced. I need to move them somewhere where the packers won't pack them. I've looked at them once since we lost him and am just not sure emotionally I can pull them out again but I know I have to.

I'm seriously considering giving everything away. It hurts so much putting things aside for a baby that I don't know if we're ever going to have. This will be the second move where I'm dragging it all around and I'm just not sure I should anymore.

Another week gone by

I don't like to announce it online for obvious reasons but the hubby has been out of town for the last week. While I miss him, it gives me a lot more time to focus on myself and what I need to do. This week I found out the power of not only making a list but sticking to it and getting it all done. I am admittedly lazy by nature. So if I can keep this up at least it will help. I'm so completely overwhelmed by all that needs to be done that I sometimes feel frozen.

The next few weeks are going to involve a lot of goodbyes. This weekend is Aiden's last T-ball game. His first experience on a sports team has been absolutely wonderful. I was a little worried in the beginning since he is ultra competitive sometimes but he has done great. The attitude of the coaches has been wonderful and as usual, if another adult says what mommy says then it must be true.

School is ending soon. I'm so proud of how well he has done this year. Although it started off rough he has grown so much. The little boy that used to cry every time he didn't get his way or was frustrated has learned some self control. He has learned to read. Most importantly, he has learned that it is fun to learn and try new things. I hope this wonderful attitude that he has developed in preschool will last him the rest of his life.

Even amongst all the chaos it is funny how things happen that are signs that show you that you are in the right place. This morning it was my dad's song on the radio. It always comes on when I'm feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. Like a message from him to take a step back and look around. Or the other night when Aiden's game was cancelled due to storms. On the way home we saw the most beautiful rainbow. We would have totally missed it had we not driven down the ball park. Even better then that was hearing Aiden's excitement when he spotted it. When they are little and discovering things you get to hear that emotion so often but as he slowly gets older it is harder to come by. I wish I could bottle up that joy.

Well... enough babbling.

A good day/Mommy Brag

Today is going to be a good day. Aiden woke up in a good mood and I slept through the night. What a great feeling it is when you feel like you had enough sleep. It doesn't happen to me very often. Later we are going to tour a donut place with our Moms group and Aiden will get to decorate and of course eat a donut. In his words, "Today is my favorite day in May!".

I told Aiden's school last week that we were moving. I adore his school and hated doing that. I did have a quick conversation with his teacher who said she thought he'd be absolutely fine in kindergarten which was nice to hear. She also told me how smart he was. I swear ya can't hear compliments about your children enough. Even though it has nothing to do with anything i've done it just makes me so proud of him. He is indeed smart. From looking over what different grades require he is at least half way through kindergarten math. Although truly I think he's already done it all. He's reading a ton but still needs to work on looking at all the letters in the word and not guessing just by the first one. (Mommy bragging is okay when you're doing it in your own blog, right?) I am so greatful to his school for the wonderful start that he has gotten there. I hope we can find the perfect place for him next year.

Besides the school thing, last week has been stressful. I despise not having a plan and not even knowing when or where I'm going to be moving to is really taking it's toll. I have so much to do but get so overwhelmed I end up not doing anything. As of today that is going to change. I HAVE to get my house clean. That is my goal tomorrow while Aiden is at school. After that I can start packing up stuff that we won't use. If anyone knows a good way to pack a huge lego castle without it falling apart, Ash and I would appreciate the suggestion. When I asked her if it would be fun to put it back together again.... well let's just say I'd like to try to keep it together.

Off to continue having a great day!