I took Aiden bowling with our MOMS group today. Was fun but the strangest thing happened.
The woman that was working there came over and was setting up an extra ramp for us. I was standing next to another woman's baby in their carrier. This woman... complete stranger.. just looks at me and says "I just lost my baby in January..." and went on to tell me about it and then just walks away. All I could say was "I'm so sorry. That is really hard."
So on the way home, I was thinking. That woman is so brave. I don't think I've said those words out loud except to family when I had to. I had my husband call all but one of the dr.s. I called one and it was horrible. Everyone else has found out/discussed it in emails or online message boards.
It's just strange, I guess. I never really told people in our new town that I was pregnant to begin with. So the idea of telling them that we lost David... out loud... is terrifying. I've had three people ask me if I was planning to have another since we lost him. I always make a joke about how some things don't go as planned. I've had opportunity. They are nice people. I'm just scared of not being able to control my emotions. Scared of sharing too much with people I don't know too well.
I know I'm rambling here. It was just such a random thing. It's been on my mind all day.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Heavy Heart
I wish I was one of those people that had such a strong faith that when bad things happen, it didn't rock my world so much that I just have trouble believing. I know there are people like that.
My sister-in-law is really sick. I hate cancer. I'm sending all the prayers, thoughts, and positive energy to her, my brother in law and her son. They are amazing kind people who all make each other so happy. She just needs to be okay. :(
My sister-in-law is really sick. I hate cancer. I'm sending all the prayers, thoughts, and positive energy to her, my brother in law and her son. They are amazing kind people who all make each other so happy. She just needs to be okay. :(
Monday, February 2, 2009
My Bucket List
I stole this from Eden. (Thanks!) Feel free to participate. Copy and post this on your blog. What is this? Well, you’re supposed to bold the things you’ve done so readers can find out how you've led an awesome life so far.(wink,wink!)Here's what I have done in bold...
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (if you count digital scrapbooking)
15. Adopted a child
16.Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (If you count playing the Wii and getting one!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (I learned a new language, but not on my own)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (Nope but have been to the top of the one at Kings Dominion :))
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (someday)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar - blech!
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job (laid off, not fired)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (maybe someday)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox -
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope...just seen it.
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (if you count digital scrapbooking)
15. Adopted a child
16.Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (If you count playing the Wii and getting one!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (I learned a new language, but not on my own)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (Nope but have been to the top of the one at Kings Dominion :))
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (someday)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar - blech!
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job (laid off, not fired)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (maybe someday)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox -
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope...just seen it.
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
Monday, January 26, 2009
25 Things About Me
This has been floating around facebook. I finally broke down and did it so thought I would share here too.
1. I've been pregnant 5 times. The last time I lost the baby at 18 weeks.
2. We named that little boy David Noah.
3. I had no idea what being a stepmother really meant until after I was married. I think I am still learning.
4. I love to travel. Especially places that involve a beach or any other type of water.
5. I have a lot of friends on facebook from high school that I was too shy to really get to know when I was that age. I'm glad to have the chance to try to now.
6. I miss my dad every day.
7. I miss my dad the most when I see my son do something new. I just know that they would have adored each other.
8. My son makes me/reminds me to be a better person every day.
9. I hate my hair.
10. My favorite song is "Better Days" by The Kinks.
11. I love to cook but am really bad at it. Occasionally I get lucky though.
12. Seeing Aiden experience something for the first time makes my heart melt.
13. As much as the idea of Aiden and Ashleigh growing up makes me sad, it excites me also. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they become.
14. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom but don't think I'm very good at it.
15. I am 100% sure that when I taught, I learned as much, if not more, then my students did from me. They were all amazing.
16. When I was in high school I wanted to be a journalist for a newspaper.
17. When I was in college, I wanted to be a marriage or family counselor. Looking back, I'm sure I made the right choice by becoming what I did.
18. My favorite color is blue.
19. Lower 70s and breezey is the perfect day for me. (I do love winter in FL)
20. I am incredibly introverted. I spend so much time thinking about what I should say that I usually don't say anything. I think some people think that I'm just not friendly, but really I am shy.
21. I love having time to myself but miss having the close friends that I did in VA.
22. I've never been into sports but am really trying since I know my son will be. (He already is.)23. I love to be crafty but am horrible at it. I can destroy the simplest of art projects.
24. There are some friends that left my life years ago that I still think of sometimes and miss.
25. I hate shopping for clothes for me but love doing so for my son and stepdaughter.
1. I've been pregnant 5 times. The last time I lost the baby at 18 weeks.
2. We named that little boy David Noah.
3. I had no idea what being a stepmother really meant until after I was married. I think I am still learning.
4. I love to travel. Especially places that involve a beach or any other type of water.
5. I have a lot of friends on facebook from high school that I was too shy to really get to know when I was that age. I'm glad to have the chance to try to now.
6. I miss my dad every day.
7. I miss my dad the most when I see my son do something new. I just know that they would have adored each other.
8. My son makes me/reminds me to be a better person every day.
9. I hate my hair.
10. My favorite song is "Better Days" by The Kinks.
11. I love to cook but am really bad at it. Occasionally I get lucky though.
12. Seeing Aiden experience something for the first time makes my heart melt.
13. As much as the idea of Aiden and Ashleigh growing up makes me sad, it excites me also. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they become.
14. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom but don't think I'm very good at it.
15. I am 100% sure that when I taught, I learned as much, if not more, then my students did from me. They were all amazing.
16. When I was in high school I wanted to be a journalist for a newspaper.
17. When I was in college, I wanted to be a marriage or family counselor. Looking back, I'm sure I made the right choice by becoming what I did.
18. My favorite color is blue.
19. Lower 70s and breezey is the perfect day for me. (I do love winter in FL)
20. I am incredibly introverted. I spend so much time thinking about what I should say that I usually don't say anything. I think some people think that I'm just not friendly, but really I am shy.
21. I love having time to myself but miss having the close friends that I did in VA.
22. I've never been into sports but am really trying since I know my son will be. (He already is.)23. I love to be crafty but am horrible at it. I can destroy the simplest of art projects.
24. There are some friends that left my life years ago that I still think of sometimes and miss.
25. I hate shopping for clothes for me but love doing so for my son and stepdaughter.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My New Year
So I'm a little late but thought I'd make a list of what I want to do this year.
1. Have a dust free (as much as possible) home.
2. Eat and have my son eat vegetables and fruit every day.
3. Play with Aiden every day.
4. When Ash is here, sit and give her my undivided attention at least once a day.
5. Follow up with the Dr's. I need to in order to help Aiden as much as possible.
6. When I am upset, say what I'm thinking.
7. Speak without thinking so much when it doesn't really matter.
8. Make new friends.
9. Invite new friends over to do fun things.
10.Have a house that I can invite new friends over too!
11. Be patient with family. They try.
12. Organize something to remember David with on what should have been his due date.
13. Teach Aiden how to be more independent.
14. Get my teaching license up to date. Just in case.
15. Exercise.
16. Say goodbye to old demons.
17. Step out of my "box" and do something that scares me at least once a month.
18. Visit family that could use the visit.
19. Enjoy now with Aiden and quit worrying so much about his future. At least not to the point that it causes you to ruin today.
20. Go for walks.
That's all I have for now but I'll probably think of something else.
1. Have a dust free (as much as possible) home.
2. Eat and have my son eat vegetables and fruit every day.
3. Play with Aiden every day.
4. When Ash is here, sit and give her my undivided attention at least once a day.
5. Follow up with the Dr's. I need to in order to help Aiden as much as possible.
6. When I am upset, say what I'm thinking.
7. Speak without thinking so much when it doesn't really matter.
8. Make new friends.
9. Invite new friends over to do fun things.
10.Have a house that I can invite new friends over too!
11. Be patient with family. They try.
12. Organize something to remember David with on what should have been his due date.
13. Teach Aiden how to be more independent.
14. Get my teaching license up to date. Just in case.
15. Exercise.
16. Say goodbye to old demons.
17. Step out of my "box" and do something that scares me at least once a month.
18. Visit family that could use the visit.
19. Enjoy now with Aiden and quit worrying so much about his future. At least not to the point that it causes you to ruin today.
20. Go for walks.
That's all I have for now but I'll probably think of something else.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Comes the Dawn
Comes the Dawn
Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
I memorized this poem in high school and it's been stuck in my head the last few days. I think the part about focusing on today because tomorrow is uncertain is what is sticking with me. My complaint about last year is that it seemed like every plan I made was ruined. Usually by something big and bad. And whatever it was kept me down for a long time. So that is one of my goals for this year. To go with the flow and not focus so much on what is to come but where I am today. It sounds simple right? But I am a chronic compulsive planner. Which is funny when you're as disorganized as I am. I'm tired of missing out on things because I'm scared of what might happen to mess them up, though.
Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
I memorized this poem in high school and it's been stuck in my head the last few days. I think the part about focusing on today because tomorrow is uncertain is what is sticking with me. My complaint about last year is that it seemed like every plan I made was ruined. Usually by something big and bad. And whatever it was kept me down for a long time. So that is one of my goals for this year. To go with the flow and not focus so much on what is to come but where I am today. It sounds simple right? But I am a chronic compulsive planner. Which is funny when you're as disorganized as I am. I'm tired of missing out on things because I'm scared of what might happen to mess them up, though.
Monday, January 5, 2009
One of those nights
Last night I slept but I had the worst dreams. You know the ones where all those things that you are most irrationally scared of come true. The odd thing was that I came out of it on the other end and things were okay. But I still have this uneasy feeling. Like something bad is about to happen.
I'm starting off this year trying so hard to believe that things have to be better then they were last year. So I really wish I could shake this.
I'm starting off this year trying so hard to believe that things have to be better then they were last year. So I really wish I could shake this.
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