My typical whine

I know I sound like a broken record, but I swear there are babies everywhere. Today while Aiden was in Sunday school I attended a mom's meeting. There sitting next to me was a woman with the most beautiful five month old baby. This lead to conversations about not wanting more children and being happy with what everyone had. I sat silent. These women don't want to know what we've been through the last few years. The pregnancies that were lost only weeks after conception. Or about David. Without detail, they'd never understand the pain that caused. That even at 18 weeks, holding him and saying goodbye was life changing. My own mother can't understand what we went through, so why would you open up to strangers.

There just isn't anyone. A few months ago I reached out to someone who was suffering from a similar loss that I had. She did everything I was too scared to do. She kept her baby with her as long as she could. She had a funeral for him. She even had a photographer take some beautiful photos. I reached out to her and it was returned with a slap on the hand for not accepting Jesus in my life. While I'm glad that works for her I cannot understand someone going through the same scenario looking at another woman and implying they are not grieving properly because of religious differences.

Religion really is just one of those odd things, isn't it? It wavers between giving people hope to actually tearing them down. A year and a half ago, I sat in temple on the Jewish new year and almost cried listening to the story of how God granted a woman the baby that she had never been able to conceive. I put my hands on my belly and thanked God that finally after so many losses we were going to have this baby, the only one we told Aiden about. That same day I got a call from the dr. that something was wrong. I just can't wrap my brain around that and still come out blindly believing in a higher power.

But yet, I still push to provide that for my son. You need hope right? Something to explain the big scary things that have no explanation? Why should my problems take away the innocence that he has and will for such a short period of time. Maybe it is hypocritical.

What Should Have Been

This week, David would have been a year old if he had made it to his birth date. The miscarriage before that would have been an eighteen month old. Aiden and I are on our way back from visiting family in VA and I keep seeing reminders of what should have been. Its strange how I can miss him so incredibly much when I only had him for a flash.

I hate those moments.

I hate those moments. The ones where you are walking along and feeling fine, even counting your blessings. Then boom. A sense of loss hits you.

That is what happened today at the mall with my son. We were eating lunch and I suggested checking out the play area. When we went I noticed that he was too tall! How did that happen? I told him he could go in anyway because there were older kids there and we went to find a place to sit. Looking around everyone had their little ones with them. The older kids were there because they had siblings that were younger.

And that should have been us. David would have been ten months old had he made it full term. He could have been toddling around and having fun. But he didn't make it. And I'm starting to realize there is a strong possibility that I'm never going to be the mother holding my little boy's hand while I have a baby in the other arm. He might never get to be an older brother.

Most days I can push this out of my mind but for some reason today it's messing me up. The loss of David has seemed really fresh recently. I made a mistake with my heart by saying something to someone and their response hurt me. At least I know better for the future and will be more careful.

I'm just really sad today.

It's funny how in this day and age people that you have never met in your entire life can have such an affect. In fact, in some ways I am closer to those people than members of my own family. I jokingly refer to them as "imaginary friends" but they are real people that I have just happened to have met on message boards, much the same way you find people in classes that you get along with.

The problem is that when the big things happen in those people's lives you feel that lack of ability to do anything even more than when you know them in person. Emails seem empty and its so hard to know if sending something real and tangible will seem weird or not.

So all you can do is pray or think good thoughts during the bad times and smile to yourself in the good. It just never seems like its enough. Guess that is the price you pay.

Can't Complain

We are here at our new home. It has been two weeks and so far so good. This is definitely an older house but it is pretty and once we are done getting unpacked and settled it is going to feel like a home. A warm home with wood and colors and more like what I grew up in. The neighborhood seems friendly and I have hopes we will actually make friends here.

I registered Aiden for kindergarten last week. My little boy is going to kindergarten. I can't believe it but I know he'll do great. He is so smart and hopefully being in school will help him make some real friends. I know he misses preschool because he hasn't really had anyone but his parents to play with. We go to the park and places but there are usually younger kids. I'm going back and forth about signing up for another moms type organization but those seem geared for younger children too. We are joining a synagogue so maybe that will help out for him also.

My best friend is visiting in a couple weeks and I am so excited. I'm even more touched that she is willing to drive up here with her four kids. I know traveling isn't always easy with children but I cannot wait till they get here. Its also great motivation to get the house in order and not dump things in any of the rooms because we are going to need them all.

The weather here is so different then Florida. Duh, Lisa? What did you expect? Apparantly it's been very chilly compared to what it normally is. Right now there is a thunderstorm going outside and it's in the 70s.

As my online friend Carmen always talks about, I had a little moment of bliss yesterday. My dog and I were sitting on the back porch swing and my son was playing in the back yard. It was just one of those perfect moments. The breeze was blowing and even the birds were chirping. There has been so much going on recently that I am really trying to stop and think about when these moments happen. They really help you deal with the hard stuff.

A perfect memory

Yesterday was the fourth of July and we had no plans. Just worked on getting the house ready for moving day. I had bought some wimpy fireworks from the store and we were going to set them off. Aiden of course was thrilled and couldn't wait. He was also thrilled with his USA shirt and his decorated cupcakes. I love his age. He's so easy to please.

Well when it finally was dark enough the people across the lake from us set off these huge beautiful fireworks for probably an hour. After standing outside for fifteen minutes and getting eaten by mosquitoes we decided to watch them from inside.

We put a bunch of pillows up by the big back door and laid on the floor watching them. As Aiden laid there all fascinated, I couldn't help but think this is one of those perfect memories that I hope I always have. Don't you just love when those happen when you weren't planning for them at all?

Almost moving time

Next week at this time I will be running around frantically preparing the house for the movers to come. We luckily were able to get a good deal on them packing too. So that leaves me with the very un fun job of organizing, throwing away, and donating everything that I can. I do not want to move into our next home with more junk then we know what to do with it. I'm done with the messy stage in my life. The amount of time that I take trying to find things, putting off things cuz I know the frustration it's going to bring because of the mess, and just basically having a house that I'm embarassed about is exhausting. It's over.

That isn't what I really wanted to type about, although I have a feeling it will be the topic of many more blogs to come. Recently, I have been finding myself very irritable when it comes to pregnant people. Usually I can handle it. But today if I see one more person on facebook complaining about how they hate being pregnant, I am going to scream. I just can't seem to avoid the topic. My neighbor is pregnant and my son was nice enough to put out there used to be a baby in mommy's tummy too. That conversation is old. It hurts and always comes out of nowhere and I am tired of having to go back over the facts with my son even though I know he needs that from me.

When I was going through some stuff in my son's playroom I realized that I was pregnant when I moved into this house. When I organized and put things away in the closets it was with the intent that another baby would be living here with us. Aiden's old bedding is in his closet waiting to be used. Baby toys are boxed in his room because we were going to need them. The bassinet that I love so much is upstairs just waiting for a little one to sleep in it. I have boxes and boxes of baby clothes and other items in the garage.

And then there is the box. David's box with the few memories I have of him. They are with my crystal and dishes in a place where they were safe from others looking at them or them getting misplaced. I need to move them somewhere where the packers won't pack them. I've looked at them once since we lost him and am just not sure emotionally I can pull them out again but I know I have to.

I'm seriously considering giving everything away. It hurts so much putting things aside for a baby that I don't know if we're ever going to have. This will be the second move where I'm dragging it all around and I'm just not sure I should anymore.