25 Things About Me

This has been floating around facebook. I finally broke down and did it so thought I would share here too.

1. I've been pregnant 5 times. The last time I lost the baby at 18 weeks.
2. We named that little boy David Noah.
3. I had no idea what being a stepmother really meant until after I was married. I think I am still learning.
4. I love to travel. Especially places that involve a beach or any other type of water.
5. I have a lot of friends on facebook from high school that I was too shy to really get to know when I was that age. I'm glad to have the chance to try to now.
6. I miss my dad every day.
7. I miss my dad the most when I see my son do something new. I just know that they would have adored each other.
8. My son makes me/reminds me to be a better person every day.
9. I hate my hair.
10. My favorite song is "Better Days" by The Kinks.
11. I love to cook but am really bad at it. Occasionally I get lucky though.
12. Seeing Aiden experience something for the first time makes my heart melt.
13. As much as the idea of Aiden and Ashleigh growing up makes me sad, it excites me also. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they become.
14. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom but don't think I'm very good at it.
15. I am 100% sure that when I taught, I learned as much, if not more, then my students did from me. They were all amazing.
16. When I was in high school I wanted to be a journalist for a newspaper.
17. When I was in college, I wanted to be a marriage or family counselor. Looking back, I'm sure I made the right choice by becoming what I did.
18. My favorite color is blue.
19. Lower 70s and breezey is the perfect day for me. (I do love winter in FL)
20. I am incredibly introverted. I spend so much time thinking about what I should say that I usually don't say anything. I think some people think that I'm just not friendly, but really I am shy.
21. I love having time to myself but miss having the close friends that I did in VA.
22. I've never been into sports but am really trying since I know my son will be. (He already is.)23. I love to be crafty but am horrible at it. I can destroy the simplest of art projects.
24. There are some friends that left my life years ago that I still think of sometimes and miss.
25. I hate shopping for clothes for me but love doing so for my son and stepdaughter.

My New Year

So I'm a little late but thought I'd make a list of what I want to do this year.

1. Have a dust free (as much as possible) home.
2. Eat and have my son eat vegetables and fruit every day.
3. Play with Aiden every day.
4. When Ash is here, sit and give her my undivided attention at least once a day.
5. Follow up with the Dr's. I need to in order to help Aiden as much as possible.
6. When I am upset, say what I'm thinking.
7. Speak without thinking so much when it doesn't really matter.
8. Make new friends.
9. Invite new friends over to do fun things.
10.Have a house that I can invite new friends over too!
11. Be patient with family. They try.
12. Organize something to remember David with on what should have been his due date.
13. Teach Aiden how to be more independent.
14. Get my teaching license up to date. Just in case.
15. Exercise.
16. Say goodbye to old demons.
17. Step out of my "box" and do something that scares me at least once a month.
18. Visit family that could use the visit.
19. Enjoy now with Aiden and quit worrying so much about his future. At least not to the point that it causes you to ruin today.
20. Go for walks.



That's all I have for now but I'll probably think of something else.

Comes the Dawn

Comes the Dawn
Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.


I memorized this poem in high school and it's been stuck in my head the last few days. I think the part about focusing on today because tomorrow is uncertain is what is sticking with me. My complaint about last year is that it seemed like every plan I made was ruined. Usually by something big and bad. And whatever it was kept me down for a long time. So that is one of my goals for this year. To go with the flow and not focus so much on what is to come but where I am today. It sounds simple right? But I am a chronic compulsive planner. Which is funny when you're as disorganized as I am. I'm tired of missing out on things because I'm scared of what might happen to mess them up, though.

One of those nights

Last night I slept but I had the worst dreams. You know the ones where all those things that you are most irrationally scared of come true. The odd thing was that I came out of it on the other end and things were okay. But I still have this uneasy feeling. Like something bad is about to happen.

I'm starting off this year trying so hard to believe that things have to be better then they were last year. So I really wish I could shake this.