My typical whine

I know I sound like a broken record, but I swear there are babies everywhere. Today while Aiden was in Sunday school I attended a mom's meeting. There sitting next to me was a woman with the most beautiful five month old baby. This lead to conversations about not wanting more children and being happy with what everyone had. I sat silent. These women don't want to know what we've been through the last few years. The pregnancies that were lost only weeks after conception. Or about David. Without detail, they'd never understand the pain that caused. That even at 18 weeks, holding him and saying goodbye was life changing. My own mother can't understand what we went through, so why would you open up to strangers.

There just isn't anyone. A few months ago I reached out to someone who was suffering from a similar loss that I had. She did everything I was too scared to do. She kept her baby with her as long as she could. She had a funeral for him. She even had a photographer take some beautiful photos. I reached out to her and it was returned with a slap on the hand for not accepting Jesus in my life. While I'm glad that works for her I cannot understand someone going through the same scenario looking at another woman and implying they are not grieving properly because of religious differences.

Religion really is just one of those odd things, isn't it? It wavers between giving people hope to actually tearing them down. A year and a half ago, I sat in temple on the Jewish new year and almost cried listening to the story of how God granted a woman the baby that she had never been able to conceive. I put my hands on my belly and thanked God that finally after so many losses we were going to have this baby, the only one we told Aiden about. That same day I got a call from the dr. that something was wrong. I just can't wrap my brain around that and still come out blindly believing in a higher power.

But yet, I still push to provide that for my son. You need hope right? Something to explain the big scary things that have no explanation? Why should my problems take away the innocence that he has and will for such a short period of time. Maybe it is hypocritical.