I hate those moments.

I hate those moments. The ones where you are walking along and feeling fine, even counting your blessings. Then boom. A sense of loss hits you.

That is what happened today at the mall with my son. We were eating lunch and I suggested checking out the play area. When we went I noticed that he was too tall! How did that happen? I told him he could go in anyway because there were older kids there and we went to find a place to sit. Looking around everyone had their little ones with them. The older kids were there because they had siblings that were younger.

And that should have been us. David would have been ten months old had he made it full term. He could have been toddling around and having fun. But he didn't make it. And I'm starting to realize there is a strong possibility that I'm never going to be the mother holding my little boy's hand while I have a baby in the other arm. He might never get to be an older brother.

Most days I can push this out of my mind but for some reason today it's messing me up. The loss of David has seemed really fresh recently. I made a mistake with my heart by saying something to someone and their response hurt me. At least I know better for the future and will be more careful.

I'm just really sad today.

It's funny how in this day and age people that you have never met in your entire life can have such an affect. In fact, in some ways I am closer to those people than members of my own family. I jokingly refer to them as "imaginary friends" but they are real people that I have just happened to have met on message boards, much the same way you find people in classes that you get along with.

The problem is that when the big things happen in those people's lives you feel that lack of ability to do anything even more than when you know them in person. Emails seem empty and its so hard to know if sending something real and tangible will seem weird or not.

So all you can do is pray or think good thoughts during the bad times and smile to yourself in the good. It just never seems like its enough. Guess that is the price you pay.