My typical whine

I know I sound like a broken record, but I swear there are babies everywhere. Today while Aiden was in Sunday school I attended a mom's meeting. There sitting next to me was a woman with the most beautiful five month old baby. This lead to conversations about not wanting more children and being happy with what everyone had. I sat silent. These women don't want to know what we've been through the last few years. The pregnancies that were lost only weeks after conception. Or about David. Without detail, they'd never understand the pain that caused. That even at 18 weeks, holding him and saying goodbye was life changing. My own mother can't understand what we went through, so why would you open up to strangers.

There just isn't anyone. A few months ago I reached out to someone who was suffering from a similar loss that I had. She did everything I was too scared to do. She kept her baby with her as long as she could. She had a funeral for him. She even had a photographer take some beautiful photos. I reached out to her and it was returned with a slap on the hand for not accepting Jesus in my life. While I'm glad that works for her I cannot understand someone going through the same scenario looking at another woman and implying they are not grieving properly because of religious differences.

Religion really is just one of those odd things, isn't it? It wavers between giving people hope to actually tearing them down. A year and a half ago, I sat in temple on the Jewish new year and almost cried listening to the story of how God granted a woman the baby that she had never been able to conceive. I put my hands on my belly and thanked God that finally after so many losses we were going to have this baby, the only one we told Aiden about. That same day I got a call from the dr. that something was wrong. I just can't wrap my brain around that and still come out blindly believing in a higher power.

But yet, I still push to provide that for my son. You need hope right? Something to explain the big scary things that have no explanation? Why should my problems take away the innocence that he has and will for such a short period of time. Maybe it is hypocritical.

What Should Have Been

This week, David would have been a year old if he had made it to his birth date. The miscarriage before that would have been an eighteen month old. Aiden and I are on our way back from visiting family in VA and I keep seeing reminders of what should have been. Its strange how I can miss him so incredibly much when I only had him for a flash.

I hate those moments.

I hate those moments. The ones where you are walking along and feeling fine, even counting your blessings. Then boom. A sense of loss hits you.

That is what happened today at the mall with my son. We were eating lunch and I suggested checking out the play area. When we went I noticed that he was too tall! How did that happen? I told him he could go in anyway because there were older kids there and we went to find a place to sit. Looking around everyone had their little ones with them. The older kids were there because they had siblings that were younger.

And that should have been us. David would have been ten months old had he made it full term. He could have been toddling around and having fun. But he didn't make it. And I'm starting to realize there is a strong possibility that I'm never going to be the mother holding my little boy's hand while I have a baby in the other arm. He might never get to be an older brother.

Most days I can push this out of my mind but for some reason today it's messing me up. The loss of David has seemed really fresh recently. I made a mistake with my heart by saying something to someone and their response hurt me. At least I know better for the future and will be more careful.

I'm just really sad today.

It's funny how in this day and age people that you have never met in your entire life can have such an affect. In fact, in some ways I am closer to those people than members of my own family. I jokingly refer to them as "imaginary friends" but they are real people that I have just happened to have met on message boards, much the same way you find people in classes that you get along with.

The problem is that when the big things happen in those people's lives you feel that lack of ability to do anything even more than when you know them in person. Emails seem empty and its so hard to know if sending something real and tangible will seem weird or not.

So all you can do is pray or think good thoughts during the bad times and smile to yourself in the good. It just never seems like its enough. Guess that is the price you pay.